Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault (circa Jun 28, 2007 ).  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.


After weeks of on and off negotiations we received clearance to shoot Kobe Bryant’s crib. Actually there are two huge mansions on this property. One to house Kobe and his family, the other to house Kobe’s giant ego. Kobe e-mailed to say it was OK. Then he called us and said it was off. Then he texted us to say it was back on. Then he sent a singing telegram to cancel it. Finally, I said enough and called his wife Vanessa. She gave us the OK, and I didn’t even have to buy her a big, expensive diamond ring.

The driveway is real cool. It is all purple with a white 8 in it. There are contractors here to change it to 24. Kobe programmed them in is speed dial in case he needs to change the color or the number again. A real estate agent just arrive to put a For Sale sign in Kobe’s front yard. The real estate agent says “don’t worry, he would never force his way out of town”. Tell that to Charlotte I reply.

The interior of the house has a Venetian feel. Kobe really enjoyed his time in Italy as a child. He had a canal put in and there are gondolas to take you around the house. We hop in and head to the living room. Pretty typical stuff here for a superstar. You have the large plasma TV, the vintage leather furniture, the whole works.

In the kitchen is Kevin Garnett. He’s camped out here hoping to be Kobe’s next teammate. “What’s up dog?” Not to much KG. How are you doing? “Good. Trying to figure out a way to get out here man. Me and Kobe would be unstoppable.” Well, you could certainly work on your passing skills with Kobe as your teammate. To Kobe a pass to his teammate is considered a turnover. Be careful he doesn’t try to do you like Shaq. KG just smiles. Good luck KG. “Thanks”. Kobe has a fridge stocked with Bling H2O. Only the very best for Kobe.

Kobe’s game room is just sick. He has all of the latest games for the Wii and PS3. He has a custom NBA Live 2008 with his image instead of Gilbert Arenas’. Shaq has also been programmed out of the game entirely. Andrew Bynum has been programmed to wear diapers. Kobe houses his trophy in this room. Like him or not, the guy is an amazing hoopster that has racked up his share of awards.

In Kobe’s room, Vanessa hung a photo of Kobe’s mugshot to remind him of his infidelity. Kobe now has to ask permission when he goes out with his “friends”. In the corner of the room is Kobe’s desk where he keeps up truth.kb24.com. Looking out the window I see the real estate pulling the For Sale sign. I guess Kobe changed his mind again. There’s a CD on Kobe’s nightstand. Curious, I pop it in. Oh, it’s Michale Jordan’s Gatorade jingle.  Only he’s dubbed Kobe over Mike. Try as you might Kobe, you’ll never be Jordan.

I could end by showing you Kobe’s cars, but I dont’ want to feed his ego anymore. Until next time, this is TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 
Wilt Chamberlain     
N
ick Saban 
Barry Bonds
Kevin Garnett
Mike Tyson
O.J. Simpson
 
Michael Vick   
Todd Bertuzzi 

 | Posted by | Categories: NBA | Tagged: , , |

Friday, May 30th
Russell Martin
went 4 for 4 with 3 Runs and 3 RBI.  Lyle Overbay went 3 for 5 with 3 Runs, 2 HRs, and 3 RBI.  Grady Sizemore hit a pair of HRs and drove in 3.  Adrian Beltre smacked a couple solo shots.  Jeff Baker, Ryan Braun, and Jay Bruce each had 4 Hits.  Bobby Abreu had 3 Hits and scored 4 Runs.  Ryan Howard had 3 Runs and 3 RBI.  Todd Helton, Mark DeRosa, Chris Coste, and Jason Michaels, and Willie Harris each had 3 RBI.  Jim Edmonds (3 RBI), Jacoby Ellsbury, Cristian Guzman, Scott Rolen, Brad Wilkerson, Mike Lowell, Torii Hunter, Curtis Granderson, Miguel Cabrera, Brandon Boggs, Esteban German, Alex Rodriguez, Hideki Matsui, Melky Cabrera each had 3 Hits. 

Josh Beckett (6 Innings, 2 Runs, 4 Hits, 10 Ks) and Daniel Cabrera (7 Innings, 2 Runs) each had no-decisions.  Brett Myers gave up 3 Runs in 8 Innings will 11 Ks to improve 3-6.  Tom Glavine (6 Innings, 2 Runs) and Edison Volquez (6 Innings, 2 Runs, 7 Ks) got no-decisions.  Jose Contreras (7 Innings, 1 Run, 5 Hits, 5 Ks) and James Shields (6 Innings, 1 Run, 6 Ks) each had no-decisions.  Manny Parra gave up 1 Run on 4 Hits in 6 Innings with 6 Ks to improve to 3-2.  Kevin Millwood gave up 1 Run in 6 Innings to even his record at 4-4.  Justin Duchscherer gave up 2 Runs in 6 Innings, but took the Loss.  Todd Wellemeyer gave up 1 Run in 7 Innings to improve to 6-1 with a 3.16 ERA.  R.A. Dickey pitched 5-1/3 Innings of scoreless relief.  Greg Maddux gave up 2 Runs in a 6 Inning no-decision.

David Funk, a good friend and writer of the Fantasy Sports Network blog, put together a ranking of the ACC college football defenses.  He was kind enough allow me to post his breakdown on my site to pass the great information on to you.  This is very useful info as you gear up for the college football season, especially if you play the Sporting News College Football Salary Cap game.

Continuing on from yesterday, we now take a look at the ACC Team Defensive Rankings…..”

ACC Team Defensive Rankings:
1. Florida State(Starters returning: 8
They’ll miss players in the first three games due to suspension, but the first two games are very favorable. When they return, this unit will be rock solid. The defense will get a boost from junior college National Player of the Year Markus White and they’re hoping he can give them a pass-rush that was lacking last year. The secondary could be the team’s strength.

2. Clemson(Starters returning: 8
Clemson has the best secondary in the ACC, and good defensive front. They have inexperience at linebacker though. The talented secondary returns all starters, and the defensive line returns three. The linebacking corps is talented, but the outside spots will be taken up by two new starters. They get one neutral game to start the year, then the next five of six at home with the lone road game at Wake Forest.

3. Wake Forest(Starters returning: 9
A very strong and experienced defense, but depth is an issue on the defensive line and in the secondary. The entire back seven returns as does two starters on the defensive line. The defensive end spots sees the return of Matt Robinson, but depth behind them could be a problem especially if he’s ineffective. They have one of the best corner tandems in Alphonso Smith and Brandon Ghee.

4. Miami(Starters returning: 5
They have question marks on the defensive line, but experience in the back seven. Eric Moncur is the only returning lineman and if he doesn’t provide a consistent pass-rush, the defense could be in for another long year. Colin McCarthy is a good linebacker, and they have depth with this unit. The secondary is experienced, but they’re far from outstanding.

5. Boston College(Starters returning: 4
They do get two more former starters back after they missed last season. They need to improve on stopping the pass. The two returning after missing 2007 are outside linebacker Brian Toal and defensive tackle B.J. Raji. They appear to have a solid defensive line and linebacking corps. But the secondary returns only one starter(safety Paul Anderson) and they will miss hard-hitting All-American safety Jamie Silva.

6. Virginia Tech(Starters returning: 4
Defense will fall off a bit in 2008 with little experience returning, and the play of the front seven will tell us far they go. Only two starters return for the front seven on a team that was one of the top defenses in the nation a year ago. The secondary is shuffling, but there is depth at both cornerback and safety. They’ll have to replace Vince Hall and Xavier Adibi quickly in the linebacking corps.

7. Virginia(Starters returning: 5
Great group of linebackers return, but questions need to be answered on the defensive line and in the secondary. The entire defensive line will see three new starters in their 3-4 scheme. The linebacking corps is one of the nation’s best, and they return three of their starters. They get three tough non-conference games with USC, Connecticut, and East Carolina, too.

8. North Carolina(Starters returning: 5
They have a solid secondary, and if they get consistent play from an inexperienced front seven, they’ll be tough on that side of the ball. They only return one starting defensive lineman and no one at linebacker. The secondary is one of the best in the ACC, but getting a consistent pass rush from an inexperienced front could be very problematic this year.

9. Maryland(Starters returning: 5
They still have a solid linebacker group, but they have question marks on the defensive line and in the secondary. They’re moving Jeremy Navarre to defensive tackle, and Trey Covington is expected to help provide a pass-rush on the outside. Dave Philistin is the team’s top linebacker, and that corps is deep. Kevin Barnes is returning an cornerback, and he’s big, speedy playmaker.

10. Georgia Tech(Starters returning: 4
The unit should be good upfront, but inexperience is a problem in the secondary and at linebacker. The team has two solid defensive tackles in Vance Walker and Darryl Richard. They do have promising ends in Michael Johnson and Derrick Morgan. Only linebacker Shane Bowen and cornerback Jahi Word-Daniels return in the back seven, and they have a brutal road schedule this year.

11. Duke(Starters returning: 9
The good news: experience. The bad news: they ranked last in the ACC in scoring defense and total defense in 2007. They return everyone in the front seven except one player and are led by middle linebacker Michael Tauiliili. But as you can see by the numbers of last year, they have plenty of room for improvement in the ACC. They’ve got a favorable schedule this year to improve, too.

12. NC State(Starters returning: 4
Very little experience and a brutal schedule won’t help this unit much in 2008. They play South Carolina, South Florida, and East Carolina in non-conference games. Plus they play at Clemson in the third week, so it could be a tough start for them as they have no returning starters at linebacker. Depth is also an issue and should a toll of injuries take place, it could get very ugly for this unit.

Stud defenses: Florida State, Clemson
Rising defense: Boston College
Falling defense: Virginia Tech

Overall analysis: Outside of Florida State and Clemson, issues arise for other teams with either inexperience or depth. Wake Forest will be strong if they stay healthy, and Miami will be if the defensive line comes along more quickly than expected. If Boston College improves the pass defense in the secondary, they’ll be better in 2008. The other teams are inexperienced(minus Duke) and they should be given time to gel as well as indications of what they can accomplish on that side of the ball early in the year

Great info.  Be sure to check all of David’s posts at the Fantasy Sports Network (http://fantasysportsnetwork.blogspot.com/).

Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.


For protection I’m bring the Minnesota Wild’s Derek Boogaard. Bertuzzi has an interesting setup. His driveway consists entirely of ice. We are using snowmobiles to transport our equipment. The entire house is fenced in, and there are Huskies roaming the property. One of them growls at me and Boogaard destroys it with a forearm shiver. Not taking any chances we ring the doorbell. Nobody is home so we make our way into the foyer. The Barenaked Ladies are playing on the overhead speakers. “It’s been one week…”. The radio goes dead as Boogaard throws a crushing blow at it. I guess he doesn’t like that song. That makes two of us. There is a beautiful tapestry in the foyer. His wife, Julie, sure has done a nice job decorating the place.

The living room has a huge plasma TV and Italian leather sofas. His boxer Cash comes in to sniff us. Boogaard gives it a look, and the dog flashes his teeth. I give the dog a treat and end the standoff. On the TV are highlights of his time with the Guelph Storm. His favorite year came in 94-95 when he scored 119 points in 62 games, and another 33 in 14 playoff games.

Onto the kitchen. He has stainless steel appliances. Very sleek look. There’s Molson Ice in the fridge along with pancake batter and homemade maple syrup. A 3 pound roast is cooking on the crockpot. It smells real good. The phone rings, which startles me. It’s Rick Tocchet calling. “Hey Todd. I know we haven’t done business before, but I’m back in the game. If you want to play the odds at all give me a call. I’ll be glad to work you into the mix.” Tocchet must be desperate. I don’t think Bertuzzi will be interested.

In the stairway there are a bunch of pictures of Bertuzzi in action. In his trophy room there is a picture of the Steve Moore hit. There’s a chalkboard with “I won’t hit unsuspecting players” written hundreds of times. Word is his wife gave him that punishment. There is a dartboard in the room with Gary Bettman’s face on it.

There is a large satellite dish outside his bedroom window so they can get the hockey games on Versus. Man, that dish is as big as a Buick. Boogaard is in the kitchen eating so I feel a little uneasy. Should we take a look into the bathroom. Just as I turn my head Bertuzzi slaps the back of my head. “I could have crushed you. What the hell are you doing in my home?” Your wife set up an TSN Cribs episode to show your lighter side. Todd grins and says “Oh. OK” Just then Boogaard comes up to see what the commotion is. One glance at eachother and they drop their gloves.

Well, I’m out of here. I don’t want to be caught in this melee. If any of you happen to stick around, let me know who wins. Till next time, this is TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 
Wilt Chamberlain     
N
ick Saban 
Barry Bonds
Kevin Garnett
Mike Tyson
O.J. Simpson
 
Michael Vick 

 | Posted by | Categories: NHL | Tagged: , |

Thursday, May 29th
David Wright hit a pair of HRs and drove in 4.  Randy Wynn had three Hits, including 2 HRs.  Mark Teixeira had 4 RBI.  Carlos Gomez had 4 Hits.  Shannon Stewart, Kevin Mench (3 Runs), Rod Barajas (3 RBI), Alexi Casilla, Jack Hannahan, Yunel Escobar, Luis Castillo, Ryan Spilborghs, Ian Stewart, each had 3 Hits.  Jody Gerut had 3 RBI.

Kevin Slowey pitched a Complete Game allowing 1 Run on 6 Hits with 6 Ks to improve to 2-4 with a 3.37 ERA.  Jesse Litsch threw 7 scoreless Innings to improve to 7-1 with a 3.18 ERA.  John “Day Tripper” Lannan gave up 2 Runs in a 6 Inning no-decision.  Phil Dumatrait gave up 1 unearned Run on 2 Hits with 9 Ks to improve to 2-2 with a 3.52 ERA.  John Danks gave up 1 Run in 6 Innings with 8 Ks to even his record at 4-4 with a 2.86 ERA.  Kyle Lohse gave up 1 Run on 5 Hits in 6 Innings to improve to 5-2.  Randy Johnson gave up 2 Run with 9 Ks in a 6 Inning no-decision.

Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.


We’ve spotlighted a couple of criminals (Tyson and O.J.) the last two episodes of TSN Cribs so why not continue the trend? This week we’re dropping in on Michael Vick aka Ron Mexico. There is a barbed wire fence around the property. Once we get by the security check in there is a long walk up to the house. It is a beautiful house no doubt.

Opening the front door and a green cloud rushes out of the house. There is a distinct odor in the house. It takes me back to some college friend’s door rooms. The chandelier, I’m told, is made out of diamonds. Vick keeps a pair of crutches near the door in case he gets hurt. There is no need for an umbrella because Vick is so fast and elusive that he can go to the mailbox in a downpour and not get a drop of rain on him.

Let’s check out the living room. There is a massive plasma TV. “Only the best, baby!” Hi Mike. I didn’t know you’d be here today. “Yeah, just going over my playbook while watching some game film.” Excuse me Mike, but the playbook is upside down. “Oh.” That’s a fancy water bottle you have there Mike. Mind if I take a look at it. “There’s nothing in there man. Just stay out of that secret compartment.” Right. Don’t worry I won’t take your umm…jewelry. Mind if we check out the kitchen? “Nah, let’s take the tour.”

The kitchen is amazing. Marble floors. Marble counters. Another diamond chandelier. “Hand off my cookies man”. Huh? “Those are my cookies. Oooh, Cheetos.” There fridge is stocked with Cristal, Powerade, Coca-Cola and Heineken. The pantry is loaded with Mike’s cookies, Funions, Doritos, and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. “I better drink up the Powerade and Coke while it’s still free. They are talking about squashing my endorsement deal. It’s a bunch of crap.” Mike your hands are Cheetos orange. Mike whistles and calls for his dog Brutus. His three-legged dog limps in and licks Mike’s hands clean. “All better”.

Let’s check out the rec room. On the walls in the hallway are pictures of Mike from his Virginia Tech days, as well as current ones with the Falcons and Pro Bowl pics. Mike has a beautiful pool table and his own twenty seat movie theater. You can hear the treadmill going in a back room. Is Marcus or Aaron Brooks over working out? “Maybe” says Mike. Peaking in the room I don’t see Mike’s brother or cousin. Instead I see a pit bull running on it. It shoots a look at me and shows me it’s teeth. Alrighty then, I’ll close the door.

On to Mike’s bedroom. “This is where the true magic happens. All of the shorties in Atlanta want to be up in this bed. Gotta love the silk sheets and the mirrors on the ceiling.” There is a bottle of ointment on the nightstand. “You never know when something is going to flare up.” Nice bong on your dresser Mike. “Uh, umm, that’s not a bong. That’s a vase. I like to, ahh, set the mood, um, um when I have a lady over.” Right Mike. Right.

Can we take a look outside? Sure. There is a Bentley, a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari, a Hummer, and a BMW parked in his garage out back. “I call that the showroom. Those are my babies.” There are a couple of real beauties in the pool. “You like that, right?” I give Mike a wry smile. It looks like they are setting up for a concert. “Yeah, it’s gonna be a busy one here tonight. Ludacris is dropping over to do a show for my friends. It’s gonna be popping tonight.” There is a big barn in the back. What do you keep in there Mike? “There’s not dogs in there. Why do you keep saying dogs? Quit asking about dogs. All of my dogs are pets. That’s it.” Easy Mike. I didn’t say anything about dogs. I was just asking about the barn. “There aren’t stadium seats in there. There is no ring in there. Can you drop it?” OK Mike. Sorry I asked. That’s an interesting incinerator. Do you use that to burn trash? “Of course I do. What else would I use it for? It’s not like it’s there to incinerate dead dogs. I’m not trying to hide evidence.” Of course not Mike. “Yo, yo. What’s up CP?” Clinton Portis has stopped over. “What’s up Mike? I thought I’d come over a little early. I brought $30 large. It’s gonna be on tonight. I got my favorite dog picked out?” Are you going to the dog tracks Clinton? “What? No.” Mike shoots CP a look. “Oh yeah, right. Yeah, dog tracks. That’s exactly what I’m doing. What did you think I was talking about? I surely wasn’t talking about a dog fight.” Of course not Clinton.

Well, I’m gonna get out of here before I become an accomplice. Have fun with the concert and at the “dog tracks”. Until next time, this is TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 
Wilt Chamberlain     
N
ick Saban 
Barry Bonds
Kevin Garnett
Mike Tyson  
O.J. Simpson 

 | Posted by | Categories: NFL | Tagged: , |

Baby Note:  Today’s the day.  We’re scheduled for a C-Section late morning/early afternoon.

Programming Note:  I somehow got the comments and categories of my site worked out.  The look isn’t perfect yet, but the functionality is back.  Party on.

On to our regular scheduled program.

Wednesday, May 28th
Cody Ross  and Marcus Thames each hit a pair of HRs and drove in 4 Runs.  Jesus Flores hit a Grand Slam.  David Ross and Ray Durham also had 4 RBI.  Carlos Quentin, Chase Utley, Geoff Jenkins, Fernando Tatis (I had no idea he was still in the league), Craig Monroe each drove in 3 Runs.  Johnny Damon, Brian Roberts, Melvin Mora, Shane Victorino, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Joey Votto (3 Runs), Russell Martin, Mike Lamb, Joey Gaitright, Alex Gordon, Jack Cust, Cristian Guzman, Tadahito Iguchi, Bengie Molina, and Jose Castillo each had three Hits.  Fred Lewis scored 3 Runs.

Jeff Supan tossed 8 scoreless Innings allowing 4 Hits with 7 Ks to improve to 3-4 with a 3.93 ERA and outduel Jo-Jo Reyes, who gave up 1 Run on 2 Hits with 9 Ks in 7 Innings.  Erik Bedard pitched 7 scoreless Innings giving up 2 Runs while striking out 8 to improve to 4-3.  He beat Tim Wakefield, who gave up just 1 Run in 8 Innings with 8 Ks.  Matt Garza gave up 2 Runs in 8 Innings while striking out 10 to improve to 4-1 with a 3.78 ERA.  Andy Pettitte gave up 2 Runs in 6-2/3 Innings to improve to 5-5.  Adam Eaton gave up 1 Run in 6 Innings for his first Win of the year.  Bronson Arroyo continued his turnaround giving up 1 Run on 3 Hits with 6 Ks to even his record at 4-4.  Adam Wainwright gave up 1 Run on 3 Hits with 8 Ks to improve to 5-2 with a 2.86 ERA.  Derek Lowe (7 scoreless Innings, 4 Hits, 5 Ks) and Carlos Zambrano (8 Innings, 1 Run) took no-decisions in their pitchers’ duel. Armando Gallagher went 8-1/3 Innings allowing 2 Runs to improve to 4-2 with a 3.44 ERA.  Roy Halladay gave up 1 Run in 8 Innings with 9 Ks to improve to 6-5 with a 2.93 ERA while outdueling Rich Harden, who gave up 1 Run in 7 Innings.  Jonathan Sanchez gave up 2 Runs in 6 Innings with 6 Ks to improve to 3-3.


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