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An oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault.  It’s a spoof so I hope nobody is offended.

Welcome to TSN Cribs, the show that gives you a glimpse at how your favorite sports stars are living. Today we are heading down to Alabama to profile new Crimson Tide football coach Nick Saban. “Welcome to my home. Me and my wife Terry have been living here for five glorious years.” Excuse me Nick, but your bio says you just moved here last year from Miami. Saban gives the camera and blank stare and says, “let’s take a look at the foyer”. On display in the foyer is a trophy from the 2003 BCS Title game against Oklahoma. “You like that trophy? That is from when we beat Ohio State in the title game last year.” But Nick, you coached the Dolphins last year, and it was Florida that won the National Championship. “Would you like to see my living room?”

In the living room Saban has beautiful hardwood floors and exquisite curtains. The leather couches are as comfortable as they are aesthetically pleasing. “You know I installed the hardwood floors myself”. Really, Nick? Isn’t that something? “Terry handstitched the curtains too.” Uh huh, Nick. The large plasma TV and the fireplace really bring the room together.

Heading into the kitchen you can see no limit was placed on the budge in this room. All the appliances are stainless steel. The countertop is Italian marble. The rich hardwood floors continue into the kitchen and dining area. There are beautiful roses on the counter and a look inside the fridge shows it is stocked with energy drinks and organic food. “I do all of the cooking around here. A few years ago I had Bear Bryant over for supper. He said I made the best BBQ he’s ever tasted.” Bear passed away in 1983, but whatever Nick.

In the hallway you can see my fine collection of art. I like art from several different periods so it’s like a mini-gallery in here. “This one is my favorite because I painted it myself.” Nick, that’s a print of the Mona Lisa. You did not paint it. You bought it on eBay. “Moving on.”

Now we head into Nick’s bedroom. There is a king size bed with a beatiful down comforter. There are dozens of boxes in the room. Dare I ask you about the boxes Nick. “Oh those are our clothes. We don’t like to unpack right away in case a better offer comes along”. The master bedroom leads to the master bathroom. It has a large jacuzzi and a walk-in shower.

The backyard is a stunning 14 acres. “It’s a lot of work to keep up this land. I employ a couple Cajun fellas to do the work for me. See I learned. I didn’t use that term that you guys took such great offense to. Well, I have to go call George W. Bush. He’s such a liar. I can’t believe a word that guy says.” If that’s not calling the kettle black. “What do you mean by that?” Nothing Nick. Thanks for having us in your home, and thanks to all of you for coming with us on the journey.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 
Wilt Chamberlain  

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Welcome to TSN Cribs. Today we are doing a blast from the past as we step in Wilt Chamberlain’s house circa 1985. Chamberlain, often referred to as the “Big Dipper” has dubbed his estate “Ursa Major”. The front door of Ursa Major is a 2200 pound pivot. A man of Wilt’s stature needs to make a grand entrance. In the foyer is a huge life size mural of Chamberlain as Giant Bombaata from Conan the Destroyer. This oil painting is the only one of its kind, and is priceless. The chandelier is well off the ground so Wilt the Stilt does not bump his head.

Heading into the living room there is a huge sectional sofa with a couple of scantily clad women sleeping. There are a couple of empty champagne bottles on the giant glass coffee table. There is beautiful purple shag carpet throughout the house with gold window treatments. His cats Zip and Zap are curled up on the carpet soaking in the sun. There is a giant big screen TV in one corner. It’s the only one this size in Bel-Air.

Heading into the dining room you’ll see a table that resembles the round table used by King Arthur’s Knights. The table is set with fine china from the Ming Dynasty. Having spent his whole life as a bachelor, Wilt has plenty of money to spend on the finer things in life. Heading into the kitchen you’ll notice that all of the appliances are custom built. They are all in stainless steel, but they are oversized and have Wilt’s monogram on them. Opening the fridge you see 24 bottles of Coke and a several bottles of Dom Perion. All of his food is catered in. Rumor has is Wilt has slept with all six of the chefs he’s employed over the years.

Heading to the bedroom you’ll notice Wilt Chamberlain has a deluxe 16′ x 10′ bed. There are a couple of naked women sleeping in his bed. The comforter is leopart print and the sheets are silk. There is a TV with a remote control that Wilt keeps on the night stand. Inside the night stand, Wilt has a large black book that lists close to 18,000 women’s names. Looking in his closet you can see the numerous fur coats and polyester suits. There are dozens of boat size shoes. The master bedroom also has it’s own bathroom with a custom tub that can fit six people easily. There are a few pairs of panties on the floor.

We’ll end our trip in the back yard where Wilt stores his cars. He has a Ferrari, a Bentley, and his very own Chamberlain Search I, which was desigend by Peter Bohanna. An Olympic size pool, full size basketball court, and a tennis court made to resemble Wimbleton occupy the remainder of the backyard.

Well, Wilt is pulling up in a bus full of young, attractive women. I think that’s our cue to leave. Hope you enjoyed the walk down memory lane with me. Thanks for watching TSN Classic Cribs.

*Some of this info was taken from wikipedia for accuracy.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding
Pacman Jones 

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Well, we have a special treat for you today boys and girls. We are going to get a glimspe into Adam Pacman Jones’ new crib. Sure, you’ve seen his mansion and cars on MTV Cribs, but only on TSN Cribs can you get a picture of how he’s living today.

Security is an important part of Pacman’s crib. In fact you’ll notice his entire crib is surrounded by bars. You have to sign in and pass through security to enter the crib, and you’re only allowed access to designated parts of the crib. Only his roommate “Bubba” and his guards are allowed to enter the crib. He hasn’t been here long so you’ll notice there isn’t any decorations on the walls except for the postcard that Vince Young sent him that says “Nice knowing you”.

Pacman is adjusting to his new bed. He no longer has a need for his king size Sleep Number bed. He’s going old school with a twin size bunk bed. Since Bubba is much bigger than Pacman, he has chosen the bottom bunk. No silk sheets for Pacman on this bed. He has standard issue white sheets with an itchy gray blanket. One small pillow is all he has to work with.

Now on to the bathroom. Just steps away from the bed is a toilet, which is very convenient. There are no doors for the bathroom so he has to get used to going in public. No Charmin rolls here. Only the paper thin, virtually see-through toilet paper is provided. Next to the toilet is a sink where Pacman brushes his gold teeth. There is no mirror in the bathroom for safety reasons. No medicine cabinet either.

Now on to the dining room. The dining room is huge. It holds 2000 people. You grab a tray and make your way down the food line. The food is not gourmet, but occasionally it’s warm. Since the security is maximum, there are no forks and knives to use. Everything must be eaten with a spoon or your fingers. You only get one trip in the line so if you spill your food, you’re pretty screwed. There are no bottles of Cristal flowing. Alcohol is forbidden in Pacman’s crib.

Finally, we’ll take a tour of the yard. It is also fenced in with armed guards. There are tracking dogs in case someone gets “lost”. There are plenty of weights to work out with here. Often Pacman puts together a pick up football game. Pacman is always one captain, while Chris Henry is typically the other. If Pacman isn’t in the mood to lift or play football, he can always go the craft room and make license plates.

Well, it’s time for roll call. I better get out of here before the place goes on lockdown. Thanks for the interview Pacman. See you in 5-10 years pal.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Welcome back to TSN Cribs, the show where we take you inside the homes of famous athletes and sports personalities. We have a special treat for you today as we take a tour of Pete Ro$e’s estate. Without further ado, let’s check out how baseball’s all-time hits leader is livin’.

Pete Ro$e cares a lot about security. Check out this automated gate to let you on his property. “PLEASE DEPOSIT $5.00″ squawks the gate’s computer system. “PLEASE DEPOSIT $5.00″. Not wanting the show to be over before it starts, our driver feeds the meter. “THANK YOU. PROCEED.” As we pull up the driveway Pete Ro$e opens the door and comes out to greet us. “Thanks for coming. Before we get started we need to take care of one minor detail. That will be $10.00 to park” Ro$e says. Again not wanting the show to be over, we fork over the cash. “Take a step into my foyer. If you want, you can put your jacket in my coat check. It’s only $2.00.” As you look around you can’t help but notice all of the baseball memorablia on the wall. There are portraits of Ro$e on his various teams, as well as authentic jerseys. I mention to Ro$e how much I love the powder blue Phillies jersey. “You want that”. I look at Ro$e with a puzzled look. “Seriously, you want that. I can hook you up. Since you’re doing this piece on my, I can sell it to you for $150. $200 if you want me to autograph it. It’s a real good deal.” OK, moving on to the kitchen.

“As you can see I like everything modern in my kitchen. I love stainless steel appliances. Check the fridge. Grab a Budweiser if you want. It’s only $1.00.” The phone rings. “Hello, this is Pete. What’s that? four and a half and 42. Put me down for twenty large on the Patriots and give me the over.” Pete hangs up the phone. “Sorry about that. You can edit that part out right.” Moving on to the den.

“This is my man’s room. I love to watch sports in here. I have 15 TVs. I tried to make this resemble a Vegas Sports Book as best as I can. You never know which game your guests want to watch. I keep a lot of my old sports memorabilia in here. Feel free to check it out. I have baseball cards, autographs, uniforms, etc. I’ll even give you a 15% discount since I like you.” The pool table in Ro$e’s man room is sweet. It has a huge Reds logo on it. “You want to shoot some pool? I’ve got a couple of Benjamins that say I can beat you.”

“Let’s take a look out back” says Ro$e. “I had a baseball field put in back here. I still very much love this game. About once a month a few of the old cats come over and we go at it. I invite the neighbors over to watch, and I only charge them $40. Over there is my den. That’s where I host all kinds of events, mostly cockfights and dogfights. You can make a lot of money on this, if you know what to look for.” Just like on the Dan Patrick Show, Pete doesn’t know when to shut his mouth.

Well, now that Ro$e has incriminated himself, what better time to wrap things up. Thanks for watching TSN Cribs, and look for Pete Ro$e on the next episode of Cops.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale 

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Last time we showed you how John Madden is livin’. This week we’ll visit another legendary broacaster. Welcome to Dick Vitale’s crib.

“Yeah, baby. Welcome to my crib. Today we’re going to show you all the hopping spots of my house baby. If you’re a diaper dandy or a PTPer come on in. It’s gonna be awesome baby with a capital A. Take a look at my driveway baby. It’s made out of used tobacco products. Not only am I recycling baby, but I’ve got my very own Tobacco Road. It’s awesome, it’s out of this world terrific. Let’s go in the foyer baby. See that chandelier baby? It’s from the Washington Duke Building before it was destroyed by a fire in 1911. Check out the hardwood floors. I got it from Cameron Indoor Stadium the last time they resurfaced the best gym in America baby. See that blood spot there? That’s Steve Wojciechowski’s blood when he cut his eye diving for a loose ball. Wojo sure was a PTPer. He played with more hustle and bustle then just about anyone I ever saw. He was a champagne player, always poppin’ off.”

Moving on to the living room you’ll see a beautiful white couch on a navy blue carpet (I’m the narrator, it’s nice to get a chance to speak for a change before I’m interrupted by…). “Check out my couch baby. It’s pristine white baby. It’s so soft and comfy. Sit down on it. It’s awesome. Look at my giant TV. I watch hours and hours of high school and college basketball on that TV baby. That’s where I learn about all of the PTPers and Diaper Dandys. The guys who can hit the trifectas and the guys who can flat out dipsy-doo dunkeroo slam-jam-bam. Lorraine keeps a medical kit in this room to measure my blood pressure, especially during the Duke-UNC games.”

Moving on to the kitchen you can’t help but notice the table that looks like a giant basketball. “Often people say I eat and sleep basketball, so I said why not have my kitchen table look like a basketball baby. Nobody has a table like this. In fact, the last time Coach K was over for dinner, he said he’s never seen a table like this. I offered it to him, but he declined. I love Coach K. He’s such an awesome guy baby. Let’s take a look at my fridge. I have tons of Mountain Dew and Fruit in here baby. Check the cupboards. I’ve got more candy than Willy Wonka. How do you think I keep so energized baby. When I really need a boost, I mainline sugar cane. Talk about a rush baby. It’s as exciting as when Laettner dropped that bucket against Kentucky. Just awesome baby.”

Heading up the stairs to the master bedroom you see framed pictures of his ESPN co-workers. “I love ESPN. It is awesome baby. When I think about all the incredible networks, ESPN is absolutely the top of the class baby. Here’s a picture of my good friend Jim Valvano. Jimmy V was a great man, and was taken from us too early.”

Of course there is a flat screen plasma TV in the master bedroom. Dickie V would have it no other way. “This is where I recharge the batteries. I come here to relax and unwind. Lorraine has a rule that I can only watch 20 minutes of basketball in here before she kicks me out. Of course when she falls asleep the game comes back on. She’s a deep sleeper so it’s awesome. I can stay up and watch the late games. I love watching the Great Alaska Shootout. It was especially great when Trajan Langdon played there because it was a homecoming for him. The entire team had dinner over parent’s house one year. I was so honored to be invited. Here I am with Coach K and all the Dukies in Alaska. It was a dream come true.”

Now we head out to the back yard. “I have a nice basketball court back here. It’s great for pickup games.    I get to relive my coaching days when a bunch of guys like Thomas Hill, JJ Redick, Mike Gminski, Johnny Dawkins, Bobby Hurley, Shane Battier, Shelden Williams, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, William Avery, Mike Dunleavy, Danny Ferry, Cherokee Parks, and Alaa Abdelnaby come over. Believe me, it’s Outstanding with a capital O baby. It’s just awesome. Hold on a second. I’m getting a phone call. Hello. Yeah this is Dickie V baby. Hi Richard Brodhead. Yeah I’ve got time to talk to you. I’ve always got time for the President of Duke University. Hold on a second. Thanks TSN Cribs, but you have to go. This was awesome baby.

Until next time, thanks for watching TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden