TSN Cribs – Barry Bonds
An oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault. It’s a spoof so I hope nobody is offended.
Welcome back to TSN Cribs. Today we have a special treat for you. We’ve showed you the homes of some of the biggest names in sports, but today we go with one of the highest profile athletes ever. We’re talking the one and only, Mr. Barry Bonds. First we have to get past the group of protesters that are demonstrating outside his home. Evidently they do not want Bonds to pass Hank Aaron on the all-time home run list.
Security is important for Barry as he has reportedly received a number of death and bomb threats over the years. It starts with a large barbed wire fence. Inside the fence is a moat with alligators. Inside the moat is a large iron fence. Finally, you approach the massive house. This house is unique as it’s the only house that is made entirely of mirrors. When you love yourself as much as Barry Bonds, you want to be able to see yourself all the time.
The house is equipped with a giant sliding door. When you have a massive frame like Bonds, you need plenty of room. Inside of the foyer you see a large plasma TV. It’s playing a loop of each one of Barry B*nds’ 741 home runs. There is a Pirates jersey (size 36) and a Giants jersey (size 60) on either size of the TV. There is a painting on the wall of Willie Mays, Bobby Bonds, and Barry Bonds when he first broke into the Majors.
Stepping into the living room and you’ll notice a single La-Z-Boy chair in front of another plasma TV. Since Barry doesn’t trust anyone, he seldom has visitors over, hence the lack of furniture. Playing on a loop on this TV is every one of Barry’s 510 steals. This room is unique as the ceiling has a large mural of Barry in a robe with his finger pointing.
Heading into the kitchen you’ll notice everything is done in stainless steel. Opening the fridge are several syringes and unmarked medicine bottles. There’s about a case of Gatorade and a huge container of pudding. B*rry has had a hard time digesting food since 2001. There is a jar of “cream” in the butter compartment. In the pantry there is a big bag of horse feed. For whatever reason, Bonds says he has had cravings for it since 2002. On the counter is a letter from Cellmate #24RO1D5, better known as his trainer Greg Anderson. A quick glance at Barry’s caller ID, and you can see several calls from George Mitchell, attorney Mark Geragos, and Victor Conte. There is a message on the answering machine from Todd McFarlane asking for his money back for the #73 home run ball.
Going up the spiral staircase you come upon the Bonds Trophy Room. You’ll find his 7 MVPs, 8 Gold Gloves, and 12 Silver Sluggers. In a glass case lies Barry’s soul. He lost that years ago in a deal with the Devil. To taunt him, the Devil keeps it in Barry’s trophy case.
In the bedroom you’ll see a large bed that rotates. Barry likes to feel like the world revolves around him. On the night stand is a prescription for amphetamines. After getting busted the last time, he “convinced” a doctor to write him a prescription. There is a secret closet in his bedroom where Bonds hides his spare cloned body parts. He figures they may eventually come up with ways to detect HGH so he has spare parts ready for when his original ones have gone through all the wear and tear they can handle.
In the backyard you’ll see a couple of hundred Giants fans just outside his property. They all have their heads buried in the sand. There is also an unoccupied pool house that B*nds, at one point, built for Kimberly Bell.
Just now a large delivery truck has pulled up. Every year the truck comes to exchange hats, shoes, and clothes with the Giants star. They take away the old items and replace them with new ones of larger sizes. Just a few years ago Bonds was wearing size 12. Now he has what resemble “Shrek Feet” with his 15 EEE shoes. His hat size has increased 4 sizes, and his chest size has double over the past 5 years. We better shut ‘er down so we don’t get in their way. Until next time, thanks for going on the Cribs tour with me.