TSN Cribs – Dick Vitale

May 19, 2008

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Last time we showed you how John Madden is livin’. This week we’ll visit another legendary broacaster. Welcome to Dick Vitale’s crib.

“Yeah, baby. Welcome to my crib. Today we’re going to show you all the hopping spots of my house baby. If you’re a diaper dandy or a PTPer come on in. It’s gonna be awesome baby with a capital A. Take a look at my driveway baby. It’s made out of used tobacco products. Not only am I recycling baby, but I’ve got my very own Tobacco Road. It’s awesome, it’s out of this world terrific. Let’s go in the foyer baby. See that chandelier baby? It’s from the Washington Duke Building before it was destroyed by a fire in 1911. Check out the hardwood floors. I got it from Cameron Indoor Stadium the last time they resurfaced the best gym in America baby. See that blood spot there? That’s Steve Wojciechowski’s blood when he cut his eye diving for a loose ball. Wojo sure was a PTPer. He played with more hustle and bustle then just about anyone I ever saw. He was a champagne player, always poppin’ off.”

Moving on to the living room you’ll see a beautiful white couch on a navy blue carpet (I’m the narrator, it’s nice to get a chance to speak for a change before I’m interrupted by…). “Check out my couch baby. It’s pristine white baby. It’s so soft and comfy. Sit down on it. It’s awesome. Look at my giant TV. I watch hours and hours of high school and college basketball on that TV baby. That’s where I learn about all of the PTPers and Diaper Dandys. The guys who can hit the trifectas and the guys who can flat out dipsy-doo dunkeroo slam-jam-bam. Lorraine keeps a medical kit in this room to measure my blood pressure, especially during the Duke-UNC games.”

Moving on to the kitchen you can’t help but notice the table that looks like a giant basketball. “Often people say I eat and sleep basketball, so I said why not have my kitchen table look like a basketball baby. Nobody has a table like this. In fact, the last time Coach K was over for dinner, he said he’s never seen a table like this. I offered it to him, but he declined. I love Coach K. He’s such an awesome guy baby. Let’s take a look at my fridge. I have tons of Mountain Dew and Fruit in here baby. Check the cupboards. I’ve got more candy than Willy Wonka. How do you think I keep so energized baby. When I really need a boost, I mainline sugar cane. Talk about a rush baby. It’s as exciting as when Laettner dropped that bucket against Kentucky. Just awesome baby.”

Heading up the stairs to the master bedroom you see framed pictures of his ESPN co-workers. “I love ESPN. It is awesome baby. When I think about all the incredible networks, ESPN is absolutely the top of the class baby. Here’s a picture of my good friend Jim Valvano. Jimmy V was a great man, and was taken from us too early.”

Of course there is a flat screen plasma TV in the master bedroom. Dickie V would have it no other way. “This is where I recharge the batteries. I come here to relax and unwind. Lorraine has a rule that I can only watch 20 minutes of basketball in here before she kicks me out. Of course when she falls asleep the game comes back on. She’s a deep sleeper so it’s awesome. I can stay up and watch the late games. I love watching the Great Alaska Shootout. It was especially great when Trajan Langdon played there because it was a homecoming for him. The entire team had dinner over parent’s house one year. I was so honored to be invited. Here I am with Coach K and all the Dukies in Alaska. It was a dream come true.”

Now we head out to the back yard. “I have a nice basketball court back here. It’s great for pickup games.    I get to relive my coaching days when a bunch of guys like Thomas Hill, JJ Redick, Mike Gminski, Johnny Dawkins, Bobby Hurley, Shane Battier, Shelden Williams, Elton Brand, Carlos Boozer, William Avery, Mike Dunleavy, Danny Ferry, Cherokee Parks, and Alaa Abdelnaby come over. Believe me, it’s Outstanding with a capital O baby. It’s just awesome. Hold on a second. I’m getting a phone call. Hello. Yeah this is Dickie V baby. Hi Richard Brodhead. Yeah I’ve got time to talk to you. I’ve always got time for the President of Duke University. Hold on a second. Thanks TSN Cribs, but you have to go. This was awesome baby.

Until next time, thanks for watching TSN Cribs.

Past Cribs
John Madden

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