TSN Cribs – Kevin Garnett
Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault. It’s a spoof so I hope nobody is offended.
Welcome back to TSN Cribs. Today we have a special treat for you. We take you to the home of Kevin Garnett. It’s especially sweet for me because I don’t have to go very far for the show. Pulling up to KG’s estate you’ll notice ten feet high doors. Kevin is a large fella, he’s listed at 6’11″, but he’s actually closer to 6’13″. Kevin believes a man’s home is his castle, and the King shouldn’t have to duck his head when he enters. There is a large foyer with huge windows for natural light. You get a warm feeling just entering the home.
The living room has large leather furniture and several plasma TVs. KG is a very good host, and wants his guest to be able to watch what they want. Kevin’s favorite chair is in a secluded area of the room. There he gets to watch all of the playoff action he wants. He usually has to wait until the first round is over to really sink his teeth into playoff watching, but the past few years he’s been able to not only watch the whole playoffs, but he even gets to watch the last few games as he has been ordered to shut ‘er down so the Wolves can keep their draft picks.
Onto the kitchen, there is some bottled water and gatorade in the fridge. The cabinets are stocked with Wheat Thins. It’s no wonder he stays so thin. Next to the kitchen is the game room. Kevin has all the gaming systems you can imagine, a pool table, and an air hockey table. He even has a nice dart board with Kevin McHale’s face on it. In the game room hangs the jersey of Malik Sealy. Sealy was one of KG’s best friends that was killed by a drunk driver, who has since been busted again for drunk driving. I guess killing a famous basketball player wasn’t enough to deter him. There is a 24×36 painting on Sam Cassell’s face on the wall. KG lost a bet with Shaq, and now he’s forced to hang that picture for another year.
Kevin’s bedroom has a humongous water bed. The way the Timberwolves have been adrift the past couple of seasons, Kevin has become accustomed to this feeling. More plasma TVs are located in the Master Bedroom and Master Bath. He has a vault where he keeps his arsenal. He looks in the mirror and repeats his famous quote. “It’s game seven, man. That’s it. It’s for all the marbles. Sitting in the house, I’m loadin’ up the pump. I’m loadin’ up the Uzi. I got a couple M-16s, a couple nines. I got a couple joints with some silencers on them. I’m just loading clips, a couple grenades. I got a missile launcher with a couple of missiles. I’m ready for war.” I bet he wishes he had that one back.
Making our way outside you can see KG’s huge Hummer and other sports cars. Kevin has a huge pool because he generally gets the summers off. He has a full size basketball court to the right. The scoreboard only tracks the first three quarters. I guess the 4th quarter is missing, because KG alwasy disappears in the 4th.
Well, that’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed KG’s house. Till next time, this is Lester’s Legends, and you’re reading TSN Cribs.