TSN Cribs – Pacman Jones

May 22, 2008

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Well, we have a special treat for you today boys and girls. We are going to get a glimspe into Adam Pacman Jones’ new crib. Sure, you’ve seen his mansion and cars on MTV Cribs, but only on TSN Cribs can you get a picture of how he’s living today.

Security is an important part of Pacman’s crib. In fact you’ll notice his entire crib is surrounded by bars. You have to sign in and pass through security to enter the crib, and you’re only allowed access to designated parts of the crib. Only his roommate “Bubba” and his guards are allowed to enter the crib. He hasn’t been here long so you’ll notice there isn’t any decorations on the walls except for the postcard that Vince Young sent him that says “Nice knowing you”.

Pacman is adjusting to his new bed. He no longer has a need for his king size Sleep Number bed. He’s going old school with a twin size bunk bed. Since Bubba is much bigger than Pacman, he has chosen the bottom bunk. No silk sheets for Pacman on this bed. He has standard issue white sheets with an itchy gray blanket. One small pillow is all he has to work with.

Now on to the bathroom. Just steps away from the bed is a toilet, which is very convenient. There are no doors for the bathroom so he has to get used to going in public. No Charmin rolls here. Only the paper thin, virtually see-through toilet paper is provided. Next to the toilet is a sink where Pacman brushes his gold teeth. There is no mirror in the bathroom for safety reasons. No medicine cabinet either.

Now on to the dining room. The dining room is huge. It holds 2000 people. You grab a tray and make your way down the food line. The food is not gourmet, but occasionally it’s warm. Since the security is maximum, there are no forks and knives to use. Everything must be eaten with a spoon or your fingers. You only get one trip in the line so if you spill your food, you’re pretty screwed. There are no bottles of Cristal flowing. Alcohol is forbidden in Pacman’s crib.

Finally, we’ll take a tour of the yard. It is also fenced in with armed guards. There are tracking dogs in case someone gets “lost”. There are plenty of weights to work out with here. Often Pacman puts together a pick up football game. Pacman is always one captain, while Chris Henry is typically the other. If Pacman isn’t in the mood to lift or play football, he can always go the craft room and make license plates.

Well, it’s time for roll call. I better get out of here before the place goes on lockdown. Thanks for the interview Pacman. See you in 5-10 years pal.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale
Pete Rose
Tonya Harding

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