TSN Cribs – Pete Ro$e

May 20, 2008

Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault.  This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.

Welcome back to TSN Cribs, the show where we take you inside the homes of famous athletes and sports personalities. We have a special treat for you today as we take a tour of Pete Ro$e’s estate. Without further ado, let’s check out how baseball’s all-time hits leader is livin’.

Pete Ro$e cares a lot about security. Check out this automated gate to let you on his property. “PLEASE DEPOSIT $5.00″ squawks the gate’s computer system. “PLEASE DEPOSIT $5.00″. Not wanting the show to be over before it starts, our driver feeds the meter. “THANK YOU. PROCEED.” As we pull up the driveway Pete Ro$e opens the door and comes out to greet us. “Thanks for coming. Before we get started we need to take care of one minor detail. That will be $10.00 to park” Ro$e says. Again not wanting the show to be over, we fork over the cash. “Take a step into my foyer. If you want, you can put your jacket in my coat check. It’s only $2.00.” As you look around you can’t help but notice all of the baseball memorablia on the wall. There are portraits of Ro$e on his various teams, as well as authentic jerseys. I mention to Ro$e how much I love the powder blue Phillies jersey. “You want that”. I look at Ro$e with a puzzled look. “Seriously, you want that. I can hook you up. Since you’re doing this piece on my, I can sell it to you for $150. $200 if you want me to autograph it. It’s a real good deal.” OK, moving on to the kitchen.

“As you can see I like everything modern in my kitchen. I love stainless steel appliances. Check the fridge. Grab a Budweiser if you want. It’s only $1.00.” The phone rings. “Hello, this is Pete. What’s that? four and a half and 42. Put me down for twenty large on the Patriots and give me the over.” Pete hangs up the phone. “Sorry about that. You can edit that part out right.” Moving on to the den.

“This is my man’s room. I love to watch sports in here. I have 15 TVs. I tried to make this resemble a Vegas Sports Book as best as I can. You never know which game your guests want to watch. I keep a lot of my old sports memorabilia in here. Feel free to check it out. I have baseball cards, autographs, uniforms, etc. I’ll even give you a 15% discount since I like you.” The pool table in Ro$e’s man room is sweet. It has a huge Reds logo on it. “You want to shoot some pool? I’ve got a couple of Benjamins that say I can beat you.”

“Let’s take a look out back” says Ro$e. “I had a baseball field put in back here. I still very much love this game. About once a month a few of the old cats come over and we go at it. I invite the neighbors over to watch, and I only charge them $40. Over there is my den. That’s where I host all kinds of events, mostly cockfights and dogfights. You can make a lot of money on this, if you know what to look for.” Just like on the Dan Patrick Show, Pete doesn’t know when to shut his mouth.

Well, now that Ro$e has incriminated himself, what better time to wrap things up. Thanks for watching TSN Cribs, and look for Pete Ro$e on the next episode of Cops.

Past Cribs
John Madden
Dick Vitale 

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