TSN Cribs – Todd Bertuzzi
Here’s an oldie but goodie from my Sporting News vault. This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.
For protection I’m bring the Minnesota Wild’s Derek Boogaard. Bertuzzi has an interesting setup. His driveway consists entirely of ice. We are using snowmobiles to transport our equipment. The entire house is fenced in, and there are Huskies roaming the property. One of them growls at me and Boogaard destroys it with a forearm shiver. Not taking any chances we ring the doorbell. Nobody is home so we make our way into the foyer. The Barenaked Ladies are playing on the overhead speakers. “It’s been one week…”. The radio goes dead as Boogaard throws a crushing blow at it. I guess he doesn’t like that song. That makes two of us. There is a beautiful tapestry in the foyer. His wife, Julie, sure has done a nice job decorating the place.
The living room has a huge plasma TV and Italian leather sofas. His boxer Cash comes in to sniff us. Boogaard gives it a look, and the dog flashes his teeth. I give the dog a treat and end the standoff. On the TV are highlights of his time with the Guelph Storm. His favorite year came in 94-95 when he scored 119 points in 62 games, and another 33 in 14 playoff games.
Onto the kitchen. He has stainless steel appliances. Very sleek look. There’s Molson Ice in the fridge along with pancake batter and homemade maple syrup. A 3 pound roast is cooking on the crockpot. It smells real good. The phone rings, which startles me. It’s Rick Tocchet calling. “Hey Todd. I know we haven’t done business before, but I’m back in the game. If you want to play the odds at all give me a call. I’ll be glad to work you into the mix.” Tocchet must be desperate. I don’t think Bertuzzi will be interested.
In the stairway there are a bunch of pictures of Bertuzzi in action. In his trophy room there is a picture of the Steve Moore hit. There’s a chalkboard with “I won’t hit unsuspecting players” written hundreds of times. Word is his wife gave him that punishment. There is a dartboard in the room with Gary Bettman’s face on it.
There is a large satellite dish outside his bedroom window so they can get the hockey games on Versus. Man, that dish is as big as a Buick. Boogaard is in the kitchen eating so I feel a little uneasy. Should we take a look into the bathroom. Just as I turn my head Bertuzzi slaps the back of my head. “I could have crushed you. What the hell are you doing in my home?” Your wife set up an TSN Cribs episode to show your lighter side. Todd grins and says “Oh. OK” Just then Boogaard comes up to see what the commotion is. One glance at eachother and they drop their gloves.
Well, I’m out of here. I don’t want to be caught in this melee. If any of you happen to stick around, let me know who wins. Till next time, this is TSN Cribs.