TSN Cribs – Tonya Harding
Since my wife will give birth to our second child any day now, I figured I’d post some oldies but goodies from my Sporting News vault. This is a spoof so I hope nobody takes offense.
Welcome back to TSN Cribs. I’m your host Lester, and I’ve got a treat for you today. We’ve explored the houses of John Madden, Dick Vitale, and Pete Ro$e. It’s time for TSN Cribs to show a more feminine side. I suppose I should use that term loosely, but welcome to Tayna Harding’s crib.
As you pull up the dirt driveway you can see the flamingo lawn decorations in the front yard along with an old toilet that is being used as a flower pot. There are several bullet holes in the yard from when Tonya thought she saw animals out there. Notice how Tanya keeps the Christmas lights on her house year round. In the garage you’ll find a nice collection of hubcaps. You never know when you need to chuck one at someone’s head. There is also a fine assortment of tire irons in case you need to go after someone’s knee.
Let’s take a look in the house. As you enter the front door you are bombarded with an overwhelming smell of animal feces. Tonya has 12 cats and 4 dogs. The place is carpeted in a lovely orange and the wallpaper, while fading and peeling, is a soft yellow. There is a black and white TV with a coat hanger for an antenna. On the counter is an old electronic anklet. You’ll notice it’s quiet here as Tanya Harding is in detox following an alcohol-related incident.
Speaking of alcohol let’s head down into the basement. You’ll notice the ample supply of moonshine down here. Since most of the alcohol available in the liquor store is either too weak or too expensive for Tonya’s tastes, she has taken to brewing her own. While most celebrities have their own wine cellars, Tonya breaks the mold with her Moonshine Cellar.
Heading into the kitchen you’ll see am ample supply of paper plates and plastic forks. Tonya stopped stocking plates because of her tendency throw them at her loved ones. The plastic forks are from a court order that does not allow her to own regular forks or knives. Checking the fridge you’ll see a couple of cases of Old Milwaukee, a few tins of Skoal, a carton of Marlboro Reds, a few cans of SPAM, and some deer jerky. The floor could use a sweep and a mop.
Checking the bedroom you’ll find a couple bottles of Jack Daniels and handcuffs on the night stand along with a bunch of prescription medications. The bed is unmade and Tanya’s underwear are on the floor. There is a big blood stain in the carpet and peanut butter smeared on the walls. There is a large hole in the door where Tanya threw an ice skate at Jeff Gillooly. Checking the closet you’ll see a couple bright orange jumpsuits.
The bathroom is an utter disaster. The toilet is clogged. There is no toilet paper on the roll. The mirror is cracked. There are a bunch of stolen Avon samples on the vanity. It looks like the shower curtain had been lit on fire before.
Now the final room of the house. My cameraman vomited so we must wrap it up. What could have been in that room? I’ll let you the reader come up with the contents of the final room. I’ll choose the one I feel fits best.